plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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