she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
