You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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