nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
