Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
