This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
