Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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