...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
