A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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