don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
