So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
