the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
