remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
