If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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