You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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