Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
