I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
