How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
