guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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