let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
