I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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