I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
