Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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