so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize