my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
