We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
