Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
