I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
