if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
