i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
