Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
