That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
