smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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