This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
