Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
