From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
