i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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