they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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