i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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