If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
