when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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