You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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