why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
