Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
