just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
