I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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