wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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