Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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