if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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