On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
