my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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