i may or may not be watching the land before time
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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