Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've blown a few things in my day
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
