Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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