you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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