The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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