I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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