My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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