The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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