I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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