life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize