Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
