I accidentally burped into my bong.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
