Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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