he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
