conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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