its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
